I AM a Real Monster
by LuciferDragon
Summary: Rachel was a normal college-attending twenty-something. Then that all changed.
1. Chapter 1

**So while I was rewatching the first season of our favorite monsters, I suddenly got this idea in my head. There aren't enough fics for this series anyway, so let's see where this goes. :)

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"This plan is fool-proof. You hear me? Fool-proof!"

Rachel sighed and put her head on her hands, bored to tears. "You know the University is never going to give you the funding back, Simon."

The monster hunter stopped his maniacal laughter and put his wrench down, stepping away from his latest invention. "Never say never, Rach. I can't go wrong with this one, and you wanna know why?"

She sighed once again. "No, but you'll tell me anyway."

"This device is programmed to turn human DNA into monster DNA. So when I activate it and step inside, I'll be able to turn into a monster and get the proof I need!" He picked up the wrench again, still laughing and muttering every once in awhile about his plan.

Rachel rolled her eyes and got up from the stool by the counter. "Whatever you say, Wile E. Coyote. You'll get that roadrunner one of these days. In the meantime, your cousin is starving! I wasn't aware I'd still be on the college diet when Mom forced me to move in with you!"

Simon scoffed from behind his machine. "Go out and get something then."

"With what money!" She pinched the bridge of her nose under her glasses. "You know what? Never mind. I'll scrape something together. Have fun with your science fair project." With a last huff, she grabbed her messenger bag from the front hallway and slammed the door behind her. She stuffed her hands in her duster pockets and blew a sharp breath to get her mop of brown hair out of her hazel eyes. "Stupid lamer cousin." If she had had her choice, all her frustrations would have been behind her. But of course, parental units are not always sympathetic.

"'I don't want you on your own in that neighborhood, mehmehmeh,'" Rachel mimicked, kicking a rock out of her path as she headed towards the nearest Taco Bell. "Nothing a switchblade wouldn't fix. I mean, living at that house is scary enough."

There was a rustle behind the trashcans of an alley she was passing, but she brushed it off as just a cat.

"No need to get jumpy like him. He's made a fool of himself enough without having it rub off on someone else."

Truth be told, she had been interested in monsters for the longest time. When she was little, big cousin Simon always had the best bedtime stories about the creatures. It was only when she entered high school that she realized he was taking it too far. Sure, the thought that they really did exist was intriguing, but he had let it consume his life. He was well past the age of meeting a nice girl and settling down, and all the money he managed to get had recently gone into that blasted DNA machine. It had reached the point that the employees of that particular Taco Bell knew exactly what she was going to order before she even got into the store. They even knew her name, and pretty much anything else an acquaintance would know. In return, she knew all of them personally too.

"Hey Sean," Rachel muttered as she walked up to the register and pulled out her scrounged up cash.

"Simon's on another kick, isn't he?" the blonde-haired boy asked. He had been in a few of Rachel's college classes, and so knew her a bit more than the others in the store.

"As always. You're on break now, right?"

"Of course." He went into the back to fix himself something to eat while Rachel sat in her usual spot, looking out into the alley next to the store.

It didn't take Sean long to join her, pulling her from her drifting mind. "He's still putting together the DNA machine?"

"He's putting the finishing touches on it now. He swears the thing works, but I honestly doubt it."

"Ah, give the guy a break. He's sacrificed a lot to try and prove his theory."

"So have Bigfoot and Martian enthusiasts."

Sean rolled his eyes. "Humor me for a second. Say monsters really exist: why wouldn't the machine work in that sense?"

"In that sense, the DNA structures have to be different. From the drawings Simon's got up on the walls, all the monsters look different. One's like a stripy stick, another's a big potato thing that holds its own eyes, and there's a red bunny-thing too. Oh, and some kind of strange four-legged one that wears red high heels." She finished off the rest of her taco. "Point is, we have a set DNA strand. Their… species, race, whatever, they don't."

Sean frowned. "Well yeah, ours is set in the fact we walk on two legs and not four, but no one apart from sets looks the same. Everyone has differences in their strands of DNA. These creatures can obviously mate and make new monsters, since there's no real breed of them. So if that's possible, then I don't see how different their strands would be."

Rachel scoffed. "Simon's told me that they can pull up their own guts and grow three times their normal size."

"Um, all right, then yeah there's differences like that, but if they can all breed more monsters, then they aren't that much different than us. Besides being able to pull up our guts."

"This is all on the speculation that they're real though."

Sean was quiet while they ate their food. When she was finishing up, he broke out into a grin. "How pissed off will he be if we use that machine first?"


	2. Chapter 2

"I'm telling you, this isn't going to work!" Rachel hissed as Sean messed with the dials. She had to hand it to Simon, he was a whack-job, but he wasn't stupid with what he was doing. Sean had found an instruction diagram on the counter, assuming Simon had dropped it there before passing out in his room, and was setting up the machine to be used.

"If it doesn't work, I'll do your homework for a month." He stepped back as the machine hummed to life. "That should do it."

"All right Mr. Smarty-pants, but what are we going to use? That thing is DNA-based, meaning we need a living thing to go in it."

Sean held out a fist. "Rock, paper, scissors for it."

"You— oh fine." She held out a fist and they shook three times each, with Rachel landing on scissors and Sean on rock. "You suck, you know that?"

"No, you do."

She growled. "Fine. Not like this thing's going to work anyway." She stood in the machine on the glowing blue panel. "Now what?"

Sean flipped the page over. "Oh, here it is: Press the sequence 5, 3, 9, 6 and hit scan."

Rachel did just that and jumped as the machine began to make strange noises and move. "Sean…"

"Don't worry, if it's anything like the scanners in movies, it's just taking in all your information."

She took a deep breath as the outer ring of the floor lifted up slowly, emitting a blue laser the entire way. _Not like this'll even work anyway._

"_Engaging DNA transfer."_

The interior of the tube illuminated, filling the whole room with blinding light. She screwed her eyes shut, feeling a very unpleasant lurch in her stomach. _It's not working, it's not working, please don't be working._

After what seemed like an eternity, the lights faded, and she was able to open her eyes.

She had to blink a few times as she saw the floor closer to her than before. _Wait a sec, the room was a whole lot darker before we did this._

"Rachel?" Sean peeked his head around the couch. "Holy crap, it worked! The thing actually worked!"

She looked down at her hands and suppressed a scream. What was once pale, freckled skin was now a dark green, and her fingers ended in sharp talons. Her body was thin and unrecognizable for what was once a human body. Her hips were now blocky, and jutted out into two spikes before slimming down into legs. She took a deep, steadying breath before putting her claws to her neck, feeling upwards to a rounded jaw line, a small nose where here glasses still sat, and at the top of her head, two, large ear-like things draped down to her lower back. "Oook, this is interesting. Now turn me back, it's your turn."

Sean looked at the instructions and yelped.

"What?"

"Um… well, about that—"

Just at that moment, Simon came out of his room, most likely in search of something from the kitchen, and automatically saw one of two things, the first being a strange creature in his home. "PROOF! I'll have my funding this time!" He didn't even take in the fact Sean was there as he grabbed a gun from behind the counter and proceeded to chase Rachel from the house, leaving the poor boy sputtering out explanations to the wind.

Meanwhile, Rachel huffed and puffed, tripping over her new blocky feet as she struggled to get away. "You dolt, it's me, Rachel!"

"That's what you want me to think, Monster! You probably have Rachel locked away in one of your garbage hideaways! Or in the sewers!"

_The sewers!_ She ran as fast as she could down the block and took a sharp turn down an alley, hearing her cousin slam into something as he tried stopping as well. There was an open sewer line down that way, and she'd fit perfectly with her new body. She held on to her glasses, and with one big leap of faith, plunged into the darkness that was the sewers of Newark.


	3. Chapter 3

"Dead… dead… he's so… freaking…dead!" She crossed her arms close to her chest, feeling small bumps where there used to be decently-sized human breasts. All her clothes had ended up slipping off her as she had run for her life, seeing as she was now a third of her original size. She would've been embarrassed, had she felt any of her lady-parts. Female monsters apparently didn't share all the anatomical parts with female humans. "When I get my hands on Sean he's going to—" She stopped short and ducked around a corner as she heard voices approaching.

"Now where on Earth did you learn that trick, Icky? That was absolutely terrifying!" a female voice with a strange accent said.

"Oh it was nothing," a male voice said, emitting squeaky laughter. "I just thought my growing technique could use a scary growl instead of my grrgrr old thing."

A deep chuckle followed them. "Yeah that scared them senseless."

Rachel took a deep breath and stepped out into the main sewer line she had been on prior. "Um, excuse me!" she called out, seeing as the trio had turned around a bend. She wasn't prepared for what she saw, and nearly fell backwards as her cousin's drawings came to life before her. The stripy stick, the potato with arms, and the red bunny. They were all real! Sure, older looking than what Simon had on the walls, but still solid creatures!

"Oh, are you new to the academy?" the stick said. She turned out to be the female of the group, leaving Rachel to determine the other two were male.

_Academy? Oh, she must mean that school Simon mentioned. Might as well play along. Not sure how long I'll be stuck like this._ "Uh, yeah. I'm kinda lost."

"You'll want to see the Gromble if you're new," the red bunny said with a shudder. "Though all of us came with our parents when we started, so it wasn't as bad."

"We'll gladly accompany you though," the stick added. "We were on our way back from a scare anyway."

"Oh, um, sure. That'd be great." _So they scare things on purpose? I suppose that makes sense._

"What part of the sewers are you from deary?" the stick asked as they lead her down the sewer line.

_Crap. Thinkthinkthinkthink— ah! _ "Below Castle Point." It wasn't exactly true, but it was far enough away that no one would bother checking for a missing hu— monster.

"I'm from around there," the red rabbit said.

_Joy._ "Not to change the subject, but who are you all?"

"Oh, how rude of us," the stick said. "I'm Oblina, this is Ickis—" she pointed to the rabbit "—and this is Krumm." She looked to Rachel. "And what's yours?"

"Rach—er, Retchel." _They seem to have odd names, would be best to blend in. _"Friends back home called me Retch." She watched as they fit themselves through a tiny pipe, leading through the wall. "Holy… I can't fit through there!"

Ickis poked his head back out. "Sure you can! Just imagine yourself compressing and getting smaller. It's easy."

She wanted to roll her eyes, but stopped the action and tried what he had suggested. She felt a weird tingle from the top of her head to her pointed feet. _Guess this is compressing._ With a leap of faith she launched herself at the pipe. Within a second she felt all her bones and organs, whatever was in there, compress and rearrange themselves to let her through. In an instant she was sitting on the ground, blinking stupidly. She looked at the trio, then back at the pipe, then back at them. She opened her mouth and pointed at the pipe, closed it, and tried saying something once again.

Oblina arched a brow. "I see you're not very experienced in sewer travel.

"No, but that was really cool!"

"Really what?"

"I think she means 'gruel'," Krumm supplied. "Might have been around humans for awhile and picked up on their slang." He shrugged. "Though we should get her to the Gromble before—"

"Should get who to the Gromble?" a high and happy sounding voice said from behind them. Rachel had to hold back another urge to shout as another one of her cousin's drawings came to life.

The trio turned and started stammering excuses.

"QUIET!"

They instantly shut up and Rachel jumped. She hadn't expected the loud voice from the creature.

"Well now, who's this?" He pointed his bone towards her.

Ickis tried introducing her. "Oh, well, ah-ha— Her, well, um your Grombleness—"

"Ickis?"

"Yes sir?"

"OUT WITH IT!"

He jumped. "She's a new monster. Retchel from Castle Point."

The Gromble looked at her and she finally stood up straight. "Well then, we're always happy to bring in new talents to learn. That is, unless you're a COMPLETE FAILURE as a monster."

Rachel jumped. "Well, sir, you see, I'm new to scaring. I was… home schooled up until now." _Oh I hope they home school down here._

The Gromble narrowed his eyes and his voice became gravelly. "How much were you taught at home?"

"Nothing useful, sir."

"Yes, she didn't know how to get through the pipe," Oblina said, pointing at the object in question.

"I see," the Gromble said, rubbing at his chin… at least Rachel figured it was a chin, seeing there was a tuft that looked like a beard there. "ICKIS, KRUMM, OBLINA!" The three of them jumped from being addressed. "Escort Retchel here back to your dormitory. You're to catch her up on everything you all know. I'll bring her a manual in an hour."

They each saluted and rushed Rachel around the corner, not seeing the Gromble's look of suspicion as they left.


	4. Chapter 4

So I think I know what direction to take this, and I'm sorry if the rating changes down the road. It shouldn't. But just saying. My head tends to go waaaay up the gutter. So, dark angel36, hope you enjoy this update. I'm not sure how often I'll be able to update it. Should be right up the alley you wanted.

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Rachel couldn't begin to believe how many factors there were to scaring. Well, scaring decently anyway. Anyone could look abnormal and jump out from behind a dumpster shouting "GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY" and scare the bejeezus out of people, but it was going that extra step further that made a monster an individual.

And Rachel was having a very hard time figuring out what talents her new body gave her.

She had followed the trio to class, and had a chore of a time trying to take in the whole new world that existed right underneath human noses. By the time the lesson was done, she was too captivated by the mechanics of each monster that she held her new manual tight against her frame.

"Retchel, deary," Oblina said as they all exited the lecture hall, "we're all going to the Sludge Pits for some delicious sludge if you'd like to join us."

"Oh, well, thanks for the offer, but I think I've got a lot to catch up on," she motioned towards her manual. "I'll just see you guys when you get back."

"We'll save you some," Ickis offered before they turned down a different hallway with the rest of the class.

Rachel sighed in relief. She had seen what monsters ate during lunch period, and she wasn't in too much of a hurry to learn what each thing tasted like. Once back in the safety of her new dorm, she flopped down into the old doggy bed they had found above ground and turned to the first page. "Let's see now. 'The Monster in you'? Boring. 'Scaring techniques for beginners'? Nah. Oooh, anatomy." She giggled. She had always been one of those people that, while in health class or biology, she always had had her nose in the reproductive pages. "From what I can understand with my body now, monsters obviously don't have reproductive organs like humans…" She tugged at her long lop ears in frustration. "How do these guys work?"

She found the correct page with help from her clawed index finger and thumbed to the correct page, stifling a laugh almost instantly at some of the terms in the book.

"'Your first squish?' Guess that's their terminology for crushes. Maybe they don't get their… whatevers stomped on when rejected." She grew sad for a moment, remembering back to her childhood, and the majority of her adulthood. She shook it off as a knock came from the entranceway of her dorm. She jumped slightly and looked up to see a, as she assumed, handsome young monster from her class. "Can I help you?"

"I noticed you were new here," he said with a smile, crossing his arms and leaning against the entranceway. "Wanted to know if you wanted an… escort, to the dance this Friday."

Rachel frowned. "A dance?"

"Yes. You know, a social gathering, with music, dancing, and monsters. It's always a real scream."

"Well I'm flattered but—"

"She has a date already," another male answered out of sight. "So buzz off, Zirot."

The monster held up his clawed hands. "Whatever." He looked back at Rachel. "Think about it."

"Um, thanks, I guess," Rachel said once the monster left.

"Don't worry about it." Ickis sat next to her and glance at the page she had opened to. He gave her a fang-filled smile. "I thought someone like yourself would have had experience like that. For your age, anyway."

Rachel looked at him strangely at first, then a light green hue appeared on her cheeks. "Guilty as charged with being interested on the topic." It was true, after all. Even as a human she couldn't get enough of the subject of human sexuality.

He laughed a bit, a sound that reminded her of a deep, sheepish giggle. "Don't worry. I was the one asking loads of questions years back when the Gromble decided it was time to, awkwardly, teach monster sexuality. To this day, I think that's the only topic he gets flustered about."

She laughed a bit with him before a thought wormed its way into her head. "Weren't you going with Krumm and Oblina to that sludge bar?"

"Changed my mind. Good thing I did. Zirot can be a smooth talker."

"I've had my share of smooth talkers."

He glanced down at the book again, still open to a diagram of a male monster's… privates. "I'll let you get back to your studying."

She looked too and her cheeks deepened once more. "I was just… I mean, I never actually…" Frustrated, she snapped the manual closed. "Never mind it."

He gave the sharp grin again. "You're easy to agitate."

"Sensitive topic."

"Not to a male."

"Bite me."

"Not right now."

She rolled her eyes, though stepped to his challenge. "All right. If it's not sensitive to you, where do you hide it?"

He arched a brow. "Hide what?"

She tapped the manual. "You want to stand there and tell me you don't get upset or anything about the topic, so then tell me, oh mighty male, where do you hide it?"

"Oh. That." He looked around. "Well, the topic isn't sensitive but—" He stopped at her own arched brow. "We're not playing an 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours' game, are we?"

She rolled her eyes again. "See? Sensitive topic." She was getting a bit ahead of herself, but she really was curious! _I really need to get laid. But then again, how often would I get to—HELLO._

He had, by then, stood, and adjusted some of the fur between his slightly-bowed legs. "Not much now, but it's normal, not hard."

_Not much? Human men need to get monster anatomies!_ She cleared her throat. "Well, um, I see you rise to challenges."

He adjusted the fur again, speaking while he did so. "I used to be a coward when I was little…er. Lazy too. After a few disappointment speeches from my dad, and literal chewing outs from the Gromble, I started taking scaring seriously. And I stopped giving in to peer pressure. Was even beating Oblina at some things. Not a lot, but some." He sat back down. "So then. I showed mine."

_I still haven't even figured out how to tap into my female parts though!_ "Well I—"

Just in time, Oblina and Krumm returned, talking about one of the latest scare projects. "Oh, there you are, Icky. We were wondering where you went. Retchel, would you like to work on the project with us?"

"Oh, yeah, the project, sure." She barked out a nervous laugh. "Um, Oblina, need to borrow you for a minute." She grabbed on to the taller monster's black hand and dragged her away into the adjoining bathroom. Rachel was still getting used to the idea of another monster being the "shower".

"What on earth is the matter?"

"I need to know how to tap into my female bits."

"Shouldn't you know how to-?"

"Yes, I should, but I don't, please work with me on this."

Oblina shifted, visibly uncomfortable. "Well, yes, I suppose I am the only female you could ask." She sighed. "Ok, first off, yours would be pretty easy. Just… um, between your legs, you should feel a place a bit more sensitive than the rest."

"Yeah, I've felt that before."

"Well, that's where it is. You just… well, you…" She searched for the words to describe it. "It's like the pipe thing. You need to visualize it for it to be there."

Rachel considered the female's words for a moment before concentrating on the spot. "Oh, I get it."

Oblina cleared her throat. "What in the world made this come up?" She shifted her eye stalks back towards the room containing the boys. "Ickis didn't—"

"No, he didn't do anything. Just my curiosity spiking is all. There's a lot I didn't learn being home schooled." She laughed a bit. "Something my dad wasn't up to teaching me, nor my mother." It wasn't a lie. She had to learn all about her "woman parts" from her friends, school classes, and the internet.

The female eyed her warily before deciding not to pry. "Well then, about the project, are you up for working on it?"

"Sure. Let's go."


End file.
